Living.Loving & Learning

I love my boys.
I love my family.
I love Natalie.
I love my friends.

I remember when I was younger being at a family celebration telling a story and than came that thought.... what if I stop having good stories to tell, what if I stop being funny?
I began to worry about not being able to meet with expectations, to disappoint !

I alternate between caring about what others may think and not caring at all. The simplest thought came to me tonight: I have disappointed, I have surprised and amazed, I have most likely done all of that and everything in between and that is perfectly alright.

But I certainly have to stop letting it prevent me from being all that I can be...

I love my Boys.
I love my family.
I love Natalie.
I love my friends.

Yutaka Denzel Darisse & Louis Kei Darisse, Daddy misses you !

......... I Love you ..........

Means More Than We Think !

It's all about the little things!

I still remember lying next to Yuta and lining up all his cars......
Incredibly meticulous, we made sure all the cars that touched were of the same size and of similar color, and some cars you just new!

I still remember Louis coming to me in the kitchen and wanting his formula. No need to cry just a look of determination. He would check to make sure I understood and than he would run to the sofa and lie down in the ready position. I'd give him the bottle and he would chug it and turn his arm to the side holding the bottle above the floor, he would make sure I was watching and than without making a sound he would drop it and hold out his hand waiting for another....

It's all about the little things!

There are so many of these memories..... They inspire and haunt me but I would never want to be without them.

I love you Yuta & Louis.

Love Dad

Here's looking at you kid(s) !

A beautiful picture and more importantly a recent picture! (Thank you bob & yurika, this means more than you might imagine)

Time has been good to my boys and they look healthy and beautiful as I imagined (hoped) they would.

Somewhere locked in their memories I hope are the moments we shared, moments that include how gently and lovingly I held them in my arms. How much laughter we shared. How I learned to teach courageous souls to walk, run, jump, ride a bike, catch a ball, skate, roller skate, swim, play, tell a good joke, be forgiving, be loving, be curious, thoughtful and how they taught me what freedom comes from seeing them learn.

More importantly I hope we are learning what patience and perseverance comes from waiting and staying strong.

Oh how I love you both! Stay strong!

I thank you all for feeding my strength and keeping me strong. I have a recent picture and that is something.

Absence makes the heart grow stronger. My heart has often been tested but never more than in the past few years and the beat is getting stronger.

I love you my sons.

Love, Dad

HOPE !

Robert is on his way to Japan with the possibility of meeting Meg and the boys !

When I close my eyes I can't even imagine what they look like now. Is Yuta's hair long or short, how much taller is Louis.....

When they were born I sat many a night and day dreaming about all the possible conversations we would have, I still do day dream about it ! A life is a long thing to live......

Robert has left with a few gifts for the boys and some pictures and he was kind enough to meet with me and try to understand what I would like him to ask or discuss with Meg. I wish that we could find a way to let me back into their lives ... I wish for that more than anything possible.

God speed Robert and Thank you from the bottom of my Heart.

Love, Dad

RELATING !

Relationships are truly complicated but they possess a very unique feature, the truth!

Recently I have been thinking about the fact that we are all faced with unique opportunities almost every second of every day. In an earlier Blogg entry I referred to a favorite word/thought of mine, moments. I think that in some ways what I am trying to describe now relates very much to that favorite word/thought.

When you abandon your life to a choice that instinctively you know will change or reshape your destiny you are in fact exposing yourself to a new truth. I have been living through a very challenging time in my life that I am partially responsible for; in so much as I provoked the change. I however did not create the unforgiving inhuman despair that has resulted from that provocation.

Relationships are truly complicated but they possess a very unique feature, the truth...!
Only Meg and I know the truth about our relationship. Her determined efforts to strip me from my love for Yuta and Louis and the purity that inhabited those relationships have almost worked. Just as she and I know our truth, my boys and I possess the same unique feature, our own truths. That thought had almost escaped me. The purity of our love for each other is an undisputable truth. Can you imagine how forgiving that thought is and how profound it is for me while I walk slowly through this time of loss? We all possess that unique feature in every relationship we have.

A right of passage that should be treasured. We all relate differently to each other and we do so for many reasons and some times for no reason at all but only we know its truth.

Meg must live with the truth and that must be a terrible load to carry even for someone as cold hearted as her. And I must also live with the truth. I often think about how I would love to trade places with her so that I could be with Yuta and Louis and for that reason I would obviously but I would never want to trade truths.

Yuta and Louis, I love.

Love, Dad

BEEN A WHILE !

Sitting here listening to Peter Gabriel's "Don't give up" .... A bit of a theme song for the past few years of my life. Interesting how it is a spirit that has taken on a quite presence in my life, always at the back of my mind. At times it calms me but usually it simply helps me get through the day.

I remember hearing myself say that a life is a long thing to live and need to refer to that philosophy more times than I would like to.

What has changed ? I am still longing to hear how the boys are doing and have attempted to get information but even that seems to be to much to ask for.

I'll email you guys again today and see if I can get some news....

Love,
Dad

Boys will be Boys !

Just a chance to share more pictures !

AGAIN & AGAIN !

Tormented.

Numb would be an accurate way to describe the filter that has been placed over my life.
I am blessed to have many who love me and while I recognize that, I can’t help but slip into a state of numbness….

The consequences of our decisions can be overwhelming at times. Is there a greater good, the optimistic aspect of my character continues to believe but it is facing significant challenges.

Love,
Dad