A Father's Love

Louis

I love you now 

I loved you the day you were born

I loved you everyday since

and I will love you tomorrow and everyday after

I know things are difficult for you right now but you can always talk to me and I will always support you!

You are my little Louis

Love

Dad 

2nd Reunion....

Pushed through all the pain, sorrow and longing and finally a second golden ray of love shown through and blessed me with this second unbelievable moment!

Louis I love you, I have always loved you.  You are my son....

In a period of 4 days I was able to reunite with both of my beautiful sons.

Reunited and it feels so good!!

Love,

Dad

Reunited and it feels so good!

May 1st, 2015

Pushed through all the pain, sorrow and longing and finally a golden ray of love shown through and blessed me this unbelievable moment!

Yuta I love you, I have always loved you.  You are my son....

Now off to see Louis 

Love,

Dad

We are off to Japan

Been waiting for this day for 10 years...

We fly out tomorrow and will be in Tokyo by 5 pm Friday, May 1st.  I will be hugging Yuta by 6 pm! Awesome....

Will be with Louis on Sunday morning at 10 am.  I will be hugging him by 10:01 am! Awesome.....

My Journeying 4 Love continues

Love,

Dad

Need to remind myself to be patient

Now that Yuta and I have connected all I want to do is keep talking...

Not sure how to share my enthusiam and need to see him and Louis!  We had a great conversation and I can only imagine that he must have wondered why it couldn't have happened sooner, although he did say he understood....

So much catching up to do, but I will be patient and wait for this to evolve a naturally as possible.

Love you Yuta and Louis and miss you terribly.

Love, Dad

The power of technology

Imagine:

Me - 10:30 am in canada, sitting in my car in St Adolphe D'Howard ( About 140 KM NW of Montreal ). My car is parked in front of the church and I am overlooking a beautiful snow covered lake.... Impossible to imaging a more typical Canadian winter scene. My iPad hanging over my steering wheel.

Yuta - 12:30 am in Japan, sitting in his girlfriends apartment, looking awesome! 120 KM south of Tokyo, Casually looking forward in front of his phone.

Roughly 10 years has passed - so much has happened, so much to share .... 

Time has a way of challenging you to remember but what time doesn't know is that not a day has passed that I haven't thought of my boys (Yuta and Louis). Routinely waking up and wondering what they were thinking and how they were doing?  Walking into store and wondering if they would like to have that.... Being in the middle of a run and seeing the sun in the sky and wondering if they like running .... Closing my eyes and trying to fall asleep and wondering if they are thinking of me ... 

Time - I crushed your constant tick tock and have been able to continue to remember and strengthen my ever lasting love for both Yuta and Louis!!!!!!!

Action: press the call button in my Skype app and BAM there he is, sitting right in front of me.....

What can I say? How can share what I am feeling in that moment....  The honest truth is that I can't!

It is impossible for me to communicate how much love I am feeling at that moment ... Yes love ...

The time will come for us to try and share with words how we got to that moment .... But for now we start eating the metaphorical elephant 1 bite at a time .....

Yuta - I love you and look forward to spending time with you ....

Love, Dad

Houston we have contact

After many years of reaching out, years of one way communication Yuta and I have connected!

Excited to see that he had accepted me as a friend on FB we were able to start communicating.  

Given the amount of time that had passed, where do you start?  Nervous, scared and excited, you start by stating the obvious.... I love you!  

We did it we were able to push through the all hesitations and started to connect.  

Yuta you are a generous and gentle soul and I will never be able to impress upon you how much communicating with you has meant to me....

Thank you for your courage and let's keep this trend moving forward...

Love, Dad

Father's Day

Father's day... Anticipating that you need to sleep in tomorrow or that you will wake up early based on .... Knowing that you are about to call a friend to work on your plan to ... Tomorrow should never come, what should of happened didn't and now you hoped that ... Father's day ... to know all of these intuitively is what I expect of myself and what you should of expected but ... Time and circumstances have dictated otherwise, I shouldn't have let go .... I shouldn't of walked away ... I didn't ... really - I tried to fight through and make it better but you may never see that ... I love you ... Yuta Denzel Darisse and Louis Kei Darisse I love you more than you will ever know and based on that assertion - Happy father's day! Love Dad

Caught in thought.....

Just when the pace of the day slows and all are asleep, the quiet subsides and my thoughts turn deep within my heart!

Vivid memories persist and my heart rate accelerates as I reflect on the many emotions warmly attached to those memories.

I hope you are well and that you both know how deep my love is for you.... Now then and always....

Love,
Dad

Always on my mind

Words, thoughts, feelings and so much more! From the day you were both born and the many hours we spent together, from that moment in time, now and forever you will always be on my mind.......


You have been living through so many experiences and i have lost so much time but I love you now more than ever and will always love you.

Love dad

Still words....

Getting back into the trend of writing again.

Comimg into the holiday season and wish i could spend it with both of you! I wonder what is on your wish list?
Can't wait to be able to share this time with you in the future.

Love,
Dad

Words without images!

Been a while since I last blogg, nevertheless you have played an important part in everyday that I have lived.
I have lost access to my mac and didn't bother to try and blogg from my work computer. What has changed? I still haven't replaced my mac but now have access via my ipad.

I was skimming through my many posts and realize that i have been at this since 2006 and hat so much has happened throughout the years!

I have changed companies a few times (too many times) but have managed to keep moving forward. I am married, this you knew and have had a beautiful baby girl (your sister), her name is Mia darisse bedard. She is beautiful and is looking forward to meeting you both some day soon. We often look at your picture and ask what you might be thinking or doing........

Natalie misses you both as well and is looking forward to seeing......

Well some things have not changed, i miss you terribly and think of you both all the time. Louis you just had a birthday and yuta yours is just around the corner.

Love,

Dad

Fathers's love

I have been living a lie.... I have been loving you in a way that is impossible for you to know and understand.... you can't witness my actions, you can't touch mimic or feel what I am doing or feeling. The lack of tangibility must be incredibly unimpressive....

BUT HOW I LOVED YOU - How the honesty of what we lived - what was real - I hope some how counts for so much more. The times I was able to tell you that I loved you, I wish that it meant everything and lasted forever....

MY GOD HOW I LOVE YOU YUTA AND LOUIS...

I LOVE YOU FOREVER... AND EVER...

Love,
Dad

Reliving old memories!

Yuta and Louis,

I was looking forward to spending the summer with you both! it would have been great just to catch up and hang out! I will have to travel to Japan to see you both as it doesn't seem possible for you to come here... I have a beautiful bedroom for you guys and you would love your house here. We are in a new neighborhood and it really is beautiful.

I miss you both so much and think of you all the time!

Love,
Dad

My only voice!

Better to act than just think and worry... If there were post on this blogg for every time I prayed, cried, smiled or thought about the 2 of you this would be the longest blogg ever published.

But instead I simply go on living my life and hope that somehow you know how much I love you both.

Talking with you both was a beautiful yet peculiar experience, hearing your voices and hearing how healthy and strong you sounded was amazing! But hearing how disconnected you are with the time I spent in Japan (with and without you) was strange. I lived there for almost 10 years and have many great memories - most of them with you. We were always together, I was there for you both through so many nights and days and that somehow didn't seemed to resonate in your voices - and I know why! I am not trying angry with you but understand how deep the manipulation reaches. Recently Judges here in Canada recognized that what your mother has done and is doing is wrong and they understood that my rights as your father have been purposely ignored and manipulated... Finally a voice of reason. Because this whole ordeal has been ridiculous... I hope that you remember how much I love you, Oh do I love you both and miss you so much. I dreamt the other day that we were together in Hawaii and we were just hanging out and talking, we were together again face to face and that dream was amazing.

I love you both soooooooo much!

Love
dad

Look North!

Yuta & Louis,
July 2nd is fast approaching and tat means that once again I will sit in front of a Judge to plead my case and to once again hope that we will see each other soon.

Time has a way of making people forget but we were once very close and spent much time together. You were my number 1 priority and I was/am prepared to do anything to take care of you.

That feeling has not changed (it never changed) and I would give everything I have to be able to be sitting in front of you trying to explain what has happened in the last few years!

Love,
Dad

Communication...Real Love...

Where there appeared to be hope the continued game playing and lack of real mothering has once again created a sense of ambiguity.

It really is simple when our actions reflect our honest intent. Long ago when the relationship was "called on the carpet", she asked (sheepishly: as I've come to know now) that I not take the boys away from her! To which I assured her that I would never do such a thing... As we defined the way the relationship would continue and the when/how I would see the boys I gave in to practical considerations - giving up my need/desire to make sure that the boys routine remained as normal as possible. If only I had known what she was ultimately planning to do...

She has always acted without any responsibility - everything was happening to her and she had no control -

She continues, even now when 2 different judges have suggested that she take responsibility, to act like she doesn't have to participate in the process for it to be successful.

You know what you have failed as a mother... you are not able to understand that it is and has never been about you! You have been successful in garnering sympathy but at the end of the day you are just like everyone else and you will be held accountable for your actions!

Yuta and Louis - I don't know if you have ever read this blogg over the years and I continue to hope that some day we will be able to talk face to face about all the emotions that have been so deeply woven around our lives.


Love,
Dad

The Difference Time Can Make?

I love this picture!

Pride and wonder… My father looks very proud while I seem to be looking off into the distance, maybe even a little concerned?

There are relationships in our lives that help mould us and the nature of how that happens is actually quite natural yet inconspicuous.

I, after a long break, finally had the opportunity to reconnect with my beautiful sons!

Yuta now 15 and Louis now 12 have certainly grown and changed in the last 5 years but the sum of our time spent together still outweighs the time spent apart. Much has happened and certainly much has been said to try and infect the love that exists between us.

How much manipulation can you use before even a master manipulator exposes her hidden strings?

The conversation with my boys was natural, gentle and some how it had a tender tone to it!

I have missed you both more than I will ever be able to express!

Talking with you both has rejuvenated me; it reminded me in a very real and tangible way of how much I love you.

How did all of this happen?

Last Friday I had a great day in court. A Judge understood! He really understood and endeavored to explain and tried to make her understand that there are consequences to our actions and inactions. He lectured eloquently and emphasized that it wasn’t too late to right the ship – that a paternal influence is critical and that even though the distance between homes is greater than usual with responsible action the situation can be managed appropriately.

He understood…

I really don’t know what will happen but I will always be grateful for his understanding, compassion and foresight!

And so the journey continues…

“The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.” Robert Frost

Love,
Dad

Life as a process!

There is a lot that we take for granted in life until we are asked to justify, explain or make sense of it!

About 15 years ago I was living in Japan and had a beautiful son named Yutaka Denzel Darisse, the pride of my life and not too long after I was blessed again with a second son Louis Kei Darisse. All was right with the world (or so it seemed).

As the pages of the calendar went by I shared a very close and loving relationship with both my sons, so many wonderful memories! We really were close and they mean everything to me.

I have had to justify what kind of a parent I am, when all who know me and knew of my relationship with my sons would easily testify to the fact that I was a great father! Even their mother has often said that - only to suggest otherwise when it became convenient to do so...

Not many parents have to justify themselves in front of strangers in a very emotionally challenging environment. I approached this challenge with optimism even though my sons were taken from me in December of 2004. I had faith in the fact that no one would knowingly conspire to remove a loving parent from a child’s life.

Even though that is exactly what had happened - I believed that the situation could be resolved and that everyone’s interest could be respected.

It is now February of 2010 and I am again going to court to try and establish some sanity to this ridiculous situation...

My heart naturally hopes for the best but my emotions or reason understands that the current inequity will most likely prevail.

Life has been moving forward and much has changed but my eternal love for my boys is stronger than ever and although time is trying to make me forget it is only making me love them more.

Love,
Dad

What to Say!

Another winter is here and I was thinking...

About the rink I had made for us in the back yard. Hoping to be able to share my passion for skating with you both. We really did have a lot of fun playing together on that small rink ....

About the many times we were outside shoveling the snow and throwing snow balls at each other ...

About the times we went skiing together, I remember the time we were driving back from Tremblant on the back roads and came to that infamous place where the road climbs suddenly and as we crested the hill the sudden drop provoked Yuta to fly up in the air and gently hit his head. I remember how Louis didn't like to carve turns and he much preferred going straight down the hill - as I frantically ran after him ...

About how I used to panic because I worried that I hadn't bought you both enough presents for Christmas' ...

I miss you still and love you more,

Dad